"and from SAE, the Hog Slayers!"

I'm a proud slayer of hogs today. Not only has Marquis Teague, the #2 overall player in 2011 class, shocked the Loserville Cards and committed to UK (keep in mind #1 in the class Gilchrist already has committed to be a 'Cat) , but yesterday my band of brothers won the Red Bull Chariot Race tournament. The winning team receives their weight in Red Bull, meaning I will have 600 pounds of Red Bull delivered to my apartment in the very near future. Now, I'm no bull slayer, but mark my words: every one of these Red Bulls will be slain by the 1929 Broadway Street hog slaying unit before we have made our triumphant walks to receive our B.A.'s in Swine Killin' on May 15.

600 pounds of Red Bull is pretty damn cool, and just about the only thing that could make me more excited than receiving 600 pounds of Red Bull is drinking 600 pounds of Red Bull. But folks, this isn't what has made me such a proud Hog Slayer on this fine day. When my honorable associate (the kid with the white helmet and white toga being pulled in a wheel chair by two gladiators) contacted me and asked for a team name idea, only one name came to mind. The words rolled off my tongue like sweet victory rolling across the finish line in a wheelchair-chariot. "The Hog Slayers." My honorable associate responded: "It would be an honor. I shall drive the Hog Slayers chariot to victory. ALL SLAY HOGS!"

Today I am so proud to be a Hog Slayer because, Hog Nation, Hog Slaying has become much bigger than the little town of May's Lick, Kentucky. As the speakers announced the Hog Slayers, the Red Bull girls batted their lashes in awe of the brave slayers and the wheelchair-chariot rolled to victory, my eyes teared up. Hog Slaying is no longer just killin' swine and drinkin' some swamp warter the Friday after Thanksgiving in May's Lick KY. No, my friends, it has become a way of life, a movement that is spreading like wildfire across these great United States.

Hog Nation, I offer a toast to the dissemination of the ideals of the well-balanced hog slayin' man. To all of you out there who would rather have 600 pounds of raw swine than 600 pounds of Red Bull, who have sawed a hog, or have had tears in your eyes because that piece of two-year-old country ham was just so salty--raise your glasses and slay the proverbial hog. It's a great day to be a hog slayer.

p.s. Congratulations to the Hog Slayers gladiators! You have served Hog Nation well.